AVATINNI

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While going through the locker one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs it and a genie suddenly appears. The genie tells them that he only grants one wish. The lamp finder blurts out: "Turn the entire ocean into XXXX!" The genie claps his hands and immediately the sea turns into beer. The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men consider their circumstances. The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

A farmer had a car accident, he was hit by a truck owned by the XXXX brewery. In court, the Lion’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning him. "Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor". The farmer responded: "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my cow into the... " "I didn't ask for any details", the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" The farmer said, "Well, I'd just got the cow into the trailer and I was drivin' down the road.... " The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question ". By this time, the Judge had become fairly interested in the farmers answer and said to the solicitor: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his cow". The farmer thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded the cow into de trailer to take her to the Ekka in Brissie and was drivin' her down the road when this huge XXXX truck and trailer came thundering through a stop sign and hit me trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and the cow was thrown into the ditch on the other side of the road. By Jesus I was hurt, very bad, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear my cow moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans." "Shortly after the accident, a cop on a motorbike turned up. He could hear my cow moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes. Then the cop came across de road, gun still in hand and smoking, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'" "Now what the F#&K! would you say?"

During a online lesson a teacher explains how important social distancing is due to COVID19 being very contagious. She askes the students if anyone can explain the word 'contagious'. Little Johnny is the first to message back, and as the teacher figures there is no way he can come up something rude, asks him to use it in a sentence. Little Johnny says "the other day my dad saw the man next door painting his house, and said, it's going to take that 'cunt-ages' with that bloody small brush!"

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. They've set up their tent, and they have fallen asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend, saying "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replies, "I see millions of stars Kemo Sabi." "What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Kemo Sabi?" The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto you dickhead, someone has stolen our tent."

A woman is feeling unwell, so she goes to her GP. He immediately spots the problem and says to her, “Take this red pill after breakfast with a glass of water.” “OK.” “Take this blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water.” “Ok.” “And take this yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.” “Good heavens,” says the woman, “whatever is the matter with me?" "You don’t drink enough water.”

A woman returning from a fishing trip with her husband told her troubles to a neighbour. “I did EVERYTHING wrong again,” she said. “I talked too loudly, I used the wrong bait, I reeled in to soon… and I caught more than he did.”

A man in Queensland calls his son in Adelaide the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up; thirty years of misery is enough.” ‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister and tell her.” Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they are!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls her parents immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT separating. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’